Comic Review: Carnage USA (3 of 5) (groan…)

 

I think Bear Zombies is fucking with me.

For our first printed comic reviews, he picked the books.  He also split them up, choosing which of us read each book for review.  You may have noticed that he’s tackling Batman and Robin and Suicide Squad.  Both books are from my beloved DC.  Both books showed a great deal of promise when we first looked in at the New 52.  Both promise to be at least somewhat entertaining.  Way to take one for the team there, fat-ass.

For me, he picked three very – interesting reads.

First up is a book that just looks absolutely horrible.  The cover is so ridiculous that it just had to be daring my beloved colleague to pick it up.  And being of such low willpower in the first place, he just obliged.  Who just does this?  Who possibly decides that an image of Carnage wearing some ridiculous cosplay military gear is worth reading?  No one.  What a few evil bastards must think is that this would be something incredibly funny to make other people read.  I believe this accounts for every copy of this comic – including this copy just daring me to not go put it in the toilet.  Shame on you, Bear Zombies.  And shame on you too, Marvel Comics.

I dare anyone to tell me this is a beautiful story and that it would benefit from having all the parts collected together or some such nonsense. They would be lying and naming themselves as the evil sorts of sons of bitches that would give this book to an unsuspecting friend. Carnage has apparently taken down an entire town and all of the Avengers.  I’m sorry.  Really?  I have a really hard time buying into the Avengers getting the crap kicked out of them by Carnage.  We are treated to G.I. Joe types wearing Carnage armor.  We get to see Carnage Babies.  I’m sure Victor Gischler could make it work, but not Zeb Wells.  The funny isn’t nearly enough.

Unfortunately, the art is perfectly suited for this.  Clayton Crain has an extremely murky, vaguely painted, and sort of badly photo-referenced style.  It’s so dark, you just keep wishing someone would turn the lights on.  I don’t know.  Maybe this is all we really need to see of this thing.

I’m giving this train wreck half a star only so someone doesn’t accidentally mistake the five empty stars for five full ones.  If your friend hands you a copy of Carnage USA, kick him in the nuts.

Best Worst Line: You got eyes on the quad-manual xenoform?

- Reverend Grimes